The Real Me

          Brokenness & Transparency. Before I came to Gardner-Webb, these were just words to me. But the people I've met and the things I've experienced this year have given new life and meaning to these words. This year has been a tremendous learning and growing process in my walk with Christ, and most of the lessons I've learned can be traced back to these two words. Tonight, I felt as if the lesson finally came full circle. God opened my eyes and made these words real to me. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was real with God. I didn't pretend to be someone I wasn't and I didn't try to impress Him. I simply humbled myself before Him. I opened myself up to Him. I was honest with Him. I surrendered myself to Him. And as a result I felt like my prayer life was given new life. I simply had an honest conversation with God, and it was the closest I've felt to Him in a long time. I may be four years old in Christ, but I felt like I didn't take my first real steps as a Christian until tonight. There's a song by Josh Wilson that says, "I don't want to say another empty prayer." That is my prayer. There is no point in praying a "pretty" prayer to a God who knows all your dirty secrets. Those are just empty words. You can't conceal the truth from an all-knowing God. Be transparent. If you are angry, yell at Him. If you are hurt, cry to Him. If you are broken, let it show. There is so much beauty in our brokenness. God knows our true inner darkness- and He loves us anyway! This is a poem called "The Real Me" that I wrote in August 2007. It seemed relevant to the situation so I thought I would share.

No one knows the real me.

No one that is, except for me.

No one understands what I feel inside.

No one cares about the pain hold inside.

No one listens to my cries from deep within.

No one can see through my mask, to the real me which dwells within.

Wait…

Someone is calling out my name. Someone is pulling off the veil.

My prayers have been answered. The wait is over.

Now I know One who knows the real me – He loves me anyway!

Now I know One who understands what I feel inside – He listens!

Now I know One who cares about the pain I hold inside – He offers healing!

Now I know One who hears my cries from deep within – He gives me comfort!

Now I know the One who can see through my mask, to the real me that dwells within.

Sweetly Broken

"There is nothing more beautiful than to be broken in the arms of the Savior."

          

          I am blessed to be a part of a FOCUS group at school and we have the privilege of going to minister to different youth groups in the area. Being a part of this group has been such an amazing experience. This past weekend in particular was an exceptionally amazing experience. The way God pieced everything together so perfectly was absolutely beautiful. I've never experienced anything like it. The whole weekend was one big "God moment" and His presence was undeniable.

          The youth group we were working with was not your average church youth group. They were not brought up in church. They were there because they wanted to be, not because their parents dragged them. The youth pastor picked them up for church and took them home afterwards. They didn't conform to the "stained glass masquerade" and they didn't wear a "church mask" to cover anything up. They were not religious; they were just real. They held nothing back, never pretended to be something they weren't, and they didn't let their diversity cause divisions. Their youth pastor accepted them as they were and did not judge them. He proved himself trustworthy and dependable. He befriended them just as Jesus would have, and he never gave up on them. As a result, they kept coming back. Church for them was not a place to fake who they really were or pretend that life was good when it really wasn't. Church for them was a place where they could be real about their problems; they could seek answers, and find comfort.
          The theme for the week was "Are you a thermometer or a thermostat?" In other words, are you changing the world or are you letting the world change you? The key verse was Daniel 3:16-18 which is the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It is a very familiar passage of scripture. These three men are thrown into the blazing furnace because they refused to bow to a graven image. The furnace was seven times hotter than usual, so hot that the men who threw them in were killed by the flames. But Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego escaped unharmed - and a fourth person was even found walking in the flames with them! It is powerful story of God's deliverance when you stand up for your faith and endure persecution. However, for the lesson Saturday night we chose to focus more on verse 18 in which they declare that they will still praise God even if He doesn't deliver them from the flames. After the lesson, God showed up and left us all in awe.

          Picture with me a church basement, splatter painted walls, and a room full of mismatched couches. If you look out the window you see that a storm is raging. You can even hear the rolling thunder and flashes of lightening outside. But in this room you can also hear the hearts of God's children singing, "I'll praise you in this storm!" When the music ceases, the Spirit of God takes control. Suddenly, the walls are being torn down and these young people begin to tell their stories. Pain. Heartache. Sorrow. Abuse. Struggles. Brokenness. They begin to ask the tough questions... Why, God? They are crying out. They are seeking answers. My heart is breaking for them, but God slowly opens my eyes to the beauty of their brokenness. They don't even realize it yet, but they are in the arms of the Savior. I no longer see a room full of broken people; instead I see powerful testimonies in the making. We may not be able to save them from their pain, but we can point them to the One who can. We plant the seeds, and God brings it to fruition.
          The sin of this world may lead to pain and suffering, but God finds purpose in our pain. I can't even begin to imagine the plan God has in store for this group of young people. Their struggles have only made them stronger and there is no doubt in my mind that one day they will take hold of the promises of God and recognize Him for His goodness. I believe that one day I will sit around the throne of God and listen to them share their stories of deliverance. I will watch the crowns come rolling in as God rewards them for their patience, perseverance, and obedience of His will. Then I'll watch them turn around and cast those crowns back at the feet of Jesus and worship Him for His goodness and provision in their lives. Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

What is my life?

What is my life, God?

You’ve given me a vision,

But what if tomorrow never comes?

What is my vision then?

This life is nothing but a vapor in the wind, a passing breeze.

Here today, and gone tomorrow.

I look to the future with hopeful eyes,

But I don’t even know the purpose of my next breath.

Why am I here, God? What is my purpose?

When tomorrow isn’t promised there is only one way to live -

One day at a time, seizing every moment,

Capturing every memory, and enjoying every step.

We aren't here by chance or medical mystery,

Only by Grace and the mystery of Your perfect will.

What is Your will for me, God? What is my life?

I'm searching for answers amidst the chaos and confusion;

I'm searching for more of You in a world that only wants less.

My greatest desire is to be used by You and for Your glory.

I offer myself as an empty vessel, a willing sacrifice.

May I live to serve You and die to give You praise.

Your vision for me was not given in vain;

You find purpose even in the midst of our pain.

Whether or not this vision ever comes to pass,

Whether or not tomorrow ever arrives -

I will continue to run the race,

I will press on towards the prize,

And I will fight a good fight.

You've whispered Your wisdom to my heart,

And I'm seeing more clearly the plan You have prepared.

Each day holds a specific purpose,

Small pieces to a much bigger picture.

I'm finding that the journey is just as important as the final destination.
Hold my hand and guide my steps, Lord.
Lead me closer to You.

Each step is one step closer to a future that only You can see.

What is my life, God?

My life is not mine at all, but Yours alone.
My only purpose is to follow, wherever You lead.