In our society, it is often easy to confuse singleness with
loneliness. Our thought process is: “I am single, therefore I am alone” or “I
am never going to get married, therefore I am going to be forever alone.” In
Genesis 2:18, God says it is not good for man to be alone. Being 22 years
old and never having been in a relationship, this was always my go-to verse to
assure myself that it was not God’s will for me to be “forever alone” and I
often used it as I prayed for God to send me a Christian husband. However, I recently heard a message from
Pastor Steven Furtick on this same verse, and his perspective completely
changed my outlook on singleness and loneliness. He said this verse does
not just apply to marriage, but to all relationships. This was a huge
eye-opener for me because I finally realized that just because I am not dating
anyone or on the path to marriage, it does not mean I am alone. It is easy to
get discouraged when we feel like God is not listening or has not heard our
prayers. However, we often forget that God does not always answer our prayers
in the way we think He could or should. God gives us what He knows we need, not
what we think we want. He never promised me a husband, but He did promise me I
would never be alone.
Loneliness is something I have struggled with my whole life,
not only in regards to a relationship, but also in regards to friendship. It is
estimated that only 1% of the population has my same personality type (INFJ),
so I was often misunderstood growing up. My teachers and peers did not
understand me, my family did not really understand me, and I didn't even really
understand myself. I wanted friends, but I didn't know how to make friends. I
often felt invisible to the outside world. My personality made it difficult for
me to build relationships and allow people to get to know me, but at the same
time I still longed to be known and to build close and intimate relationships.
Suffering through the pain of loneliness was a dark and miserable time for me.
I cried myself to sleep many nights, and I would always pray and beg God to
send me at least one good friend who I could talk, and laugh, and simply share
life with.
I surrendered my life to Christ when I was 14 years old, and
it was then that Christ became my best friend. I learned to be content in my
relationship with Christ. I was still alone, but I no longer felt alone because
God was always with me. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely. I was completely
satisfied in my relationship with Christ. He was all I needed, and He was more
than enough for me. However, there was still a part of my heart that longed for
that human connection and friendship. Since I have graduated and moved back home,
I have really begun to develop some great friendships. It is the first time in
my life that I have really experienced what true friendship is like, and I
don’t know how I made it this long without it. There is so much beauty in
having someone to share and connect with, someone to laugh and cry with, and
someone you can really just be yourself around. God created us to be in
relationships with one another. He looked at Adam and saw that it was not good
for him to be alone. He looked at me and He saw that it was not good for me to
be alone. God heard my cries of loneliness, and He answered my prayers for
friendship. It took many years of pain and loneliness, but I was finally able
to break beyond the barrier of superficial acquaintanceship and experience the
joys of deep and meaningful friendship. You can’t appreciate the light until
you've been in the dark, and I can appreciate the friendships I have now
because I know what it is like to be alone. Those years of solitude were
difficult, but they were necessary in order to make me who I am today. I
learned to trust God in those times of darkness, and I learned to lean on Him in
those times of trouble and heartache. God became my best friend at a time when I felt the
loneliest, and He filled a void in my heart that only He could fill. I had to
reach a point where I was completely devoted to and dependent on Christ alone,
because no other human relationship can fulfill us until we first enter into a
relationship with Christ and find our ultimate fulfillment in Him.
I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance God
has planned for me. I have learned to stop looking and waiting for some so-called “perfect”
man to show up in my life and sweep me off my feet. I have learned to start
living in the present moment and enjoying my life as it is. I spent so many
years feeling sorry for myself because I felt like I was the only one who
didn't have a boyfriend, the only one who didn't have a date to the prom, the
only one who didn't get engaged in college, and I finally began praying “God, if it is not
your will for me to be in a relationship, then please just take away this
desire that I have.” I prayed this prayer, first of all because I was tired of
feeling miserable all the time, and second of all because I knew if I kept
waiting and hoping for something that was not God’s will for me anyway, then it
was just going to distract me from God – who should have been my sole desire to
begin with. But to my surprise, I really did begin caring less and less about
being in a relationship. I could actually start to imagine my life as a single
person, and it didn't seem so bad. I started to realize that maybe God could
use me in ways that He couldn't if I was married and had a family. But, when
this realization started sinking in, I got scared. I got scared because that infamous
“forever alone” phrase began creeping into my mind again. It wasn't long after
this fear entered my mind that I heard the message from Steven Furtick and God
showed me that, even if I never get married, I am never alone. Being single
does not mean I am alone. I have a God who loves me and cares for me. He sees
my pain, He hears my cries, and He answers my prayers. I have a loving family
to be my strong foundation and solid support system, and I have a loving church
family to guide me spiritually and lift me up in prayer. And now, because God
heard my prayer, I have friends to keep me entertained on the good days and
encouraged on the bad days. I am surrounded on all sides by a God, and by
people of God, who love me and care for me unconditionally. I am truly blessed
beyond measure. Being single does not mean I will be "forever alone" - because I understand now more than ever that as long as I have God, I am never really alone at all.
What is Loneliness?
According to Dictionary.com, loneliness is defined as:
- Affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone
- Destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship or support
- Lone, Solitary, Without Company
- Remote from places of human habitation, desolate, unfrequented, bleak
- Standing apart, isolated
Loneliness is much more complex than simply being alone. It
is a mindset. It is a feeling of being alone, even if you aren't really alone.
Many people who struggle with feelings of loneliness are often surrounded by
people on a daily basis. Feelings of loneliness occur, not only from being
physically isolated from people, but also from being emotionally disconnected
from people. If you struggle with loneliness, do not lose hope. I ran across a
quote recently that said, “I like to think loneliness is just the echo of
missing someone you haven’t the good fortune of meeting quite yet.” I like to
look back and think about the loneliness I once felt from that perspective - missing
the friends I didn't have yet. The key word is yet. We have to learn to look beyond our present circumstances. If
I had let my loneliness consume me and completely given up hope of ever finding
a good friend, then I would never have experienced the friendships I have now.
God provides rainbows in the sky as a sign of His promise, but you can’t see
the rainbow until you've endured the rain. We only learn to appreciate beauty
when we've seen the ugly, we only recognize the good when we've been through
the bad, and we can’t understand the joy of healing if we haven’t first been
hurt. There is a beauty to our pain and suffering, because without enduring
hardship we would never experience the gifts of grace, mercy, healing, and
deliverance. There was a time when I thought I was going to always be alone, a
time when I thought that overwhelming feeling of loneliness would never leave,
but now I look back and I’m amazed by how far God has brought me. It is truly
beautiful to look back and compare where I was then to where I am now. It is
beautiful to see how God has been at work in my life, and I stand in awe at the
wonder of it all. His faithfulness amazes me.
Rest assured that it is not God’s will for you to be alone.
Even in the times when we feel all alone, we are never really alone, because God
is always with us. Scripture assures us that in Christ we have a friend who
sticks closer than a brother. Even the best of friends let us down, and even
the closest of family will hurt and disappoint us, but in Christ we have a
faithful friend who will never leave or forsake us. As the body of Christ, we
are all connected to one another with an unshakable bond. There are so many
different connecting links and relationships that have shaped me into the
person I am today. With God, and with my brothers and sisters in Christ, I know
that I am never alone. Despite how much the world tries to convince me
otherwise, I know that I do not need a husband to complete me, to define me, or to
give my life meaning and purpose. Christ completes me. Christ defines me. My
life has meaning and purpose because Christ lives within me. I am becoming more
and more assured of this, and I am becoming more and more content with where
God has me at this point in my life. God has given me the people I need in my
life. He knows what I need better than I do. He is working all things together
for my good, and He will do the same for you if you put your trust in Him!
What Does Scripture Say about Loneliness?
God’s Word is full of promises that ensure you will never be
alone. When I was looking up scripture about loneliness, I noticed two distinct
words that stood out. The first is the Hebrew word "yâchı̂yd" which
translates as “lonely” and means to be the only one, to be unique, to be
solitary. This is the word used in Psalm 25:16 when the psalmist writes, “Turn
to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely
and afflicted.” Next was the Hebrew word “bad” which translates as “alone”
and means to be separate, to be by oneself, to be apart. This is the word used
in Genesis 2:18 when God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for
him.” These two words reveal two different types of loneliness. The first is a
loneliness in which “there is no one like me” and the second is a loneliness in
which “there is no one with me.” In both instances, loneliness is not a good
thing. The Psalmist said loneliness is like an affliction; it is the cause of
great pain and suffering. God said it is not good for us to be alone; we need
suitable helpers by our side.
The word "helper" found in Genesis 2:18 is derived
from the word "‛êzer" which means "to help or succor,
especially in times of difficulty." This is the same word used in Psalm
33:20 when the psalmist writes, "We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield." God is our
ultimate helper, especially in times of trouble, and we can put our hope and
trust in Him. It is because of God’s grace that we can have that blessed
assurance that we will never be alone. God’s Holy Spirit dwells among us as a
comforter, a constant companion, and a friend that will never leave or forsake us.
Friendship is important to God. He knows it is not good for
us to be alone. He knows we need suitable helpers, and He desires us have
strong Godly friendships. In fact, in John 15, Jesus calls us His friends - and
He commands us to love one another the way that He has loved us.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “Two are better than one because
they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one
will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not
another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm,
but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two
can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart” (NASB).
Strong, Godly friendships allow us to work together and bear
one another’s burdens. It is in these relationships with one another that we
can best reflect the friendship that Christ has so graciously demonstrated to us.
***
Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayer and reaching down and pulling me
out of my pit of loneliness and despair. Thank you for coming to my rescue in
my time of greatest need. Thank you for becoming the closest and most faithful
friend I could ever ask for. Thank you for putting suitable helpers in my life
to walk with me through this journey and help draw me closer to you. Thank you
for never leaving me or forsaking me. With you I am never alone. Thank you for changing my outlook on life from “forever alone” to “forever
in awe” of who you are and all that you have done. I can’t thank you enough for
how good and faithful you have been to me. Let my life be a reflection of the
outpouring of love you have so graciously shown to me, and may I be the type of friend that
you have been to me. May I never take for granted your friendship, and may I
never confuse my singleness with loneliness again. Thank you for the
opportunity to focus my eyes and tune my heart to you. I love you, Lord.
